When I was a kid, I always wondered what it would be like to compete on an obstacle course TV shows. On Friday, I lived the dream.

They’re harder than they look.

I made the trek north of Toronto to Orangeville, where marblemedia (This is Daniel Cook, This is Emily Yeung, Taste Buds) was in the midst of filming Splatalot, a medieval-themed obstacle course series targeting the eight to 12 crowd.

The course takes place in a brightly colored castle, which was constructed by a team of 150 people. For more details on production and interviews with marblemedia partners Mark Bishop and Matt Hornburg, check out yesterday’s story.

Over...

As I watched the kids – all between ages 13 and 15 – make their way through the course, I thought: ‘Hey, I can do that. Narrow floating platform? Sure. Giant moving battle axes? No problem. Defendors of Splatalot hurling insults at me while shooting tennis balls and multi-colored slime in my face? With my eyes closed.’ (Otherwise I’d get slime in my eyes, obviously.)

I donned a wetsuit, life jacket, helmet and goggles and a crew member pointed out each obstacle and what I had to do. I stood at the starting point waiting for my cue to go and Splatalot was suddenly beginning to look a little more intimidating and a whole lot more unfeasible.

I descended on a narrow platform floating in the moat, which is designed to hold your weight for five seconds before giving in to gravity. I was in the water within seconds and made a feeble attempt at paddling over to the next obstacle. (This is probably the part where I should mention that I don’t know how to swim.)

...And out.

Then came a slime-coated spiral ramp wrapped around a small turret. The defenders began shooting balls at me as I ascended carefully, jeering at me for being: a) an adult; and b) a reporter from Playboy magazine.

I stood before a huge, spike-covered spinning cylinder. With no earthly clue how to tackle this one, I set one foot on it before tumbling down into the moat below. The director yelled that I had to go back and do it again and the second attempt was just as pathetic as the first. I’d have thought this particular obstacle was impossible if I’d not seen a boy run across it earlier like it was a stroll along the sidewalk.

The battle axes were next and they, too, were covered in slippery stuff. It also didn’t help that a second defender was squirting slime at both me and the axes. A third defender wielded a giant hose, blasting me with a jet of warm water.

I managed to make it on top of the first battle axe, but immediately went crashing into the water when I tried to clamber on to the slime-coated second axe. The next obstacle was a narrow netted bridge with shields placed along it like stepping stones.

One more spill into the water after the final obstacle, which involved a platform and a rope, and I was completely out of breath. I emerged from the water one final time and stood at the finish line where I was instructed to do a victory dance. All I managed was a tired wiggle and a big, dumb grin on my face.

The crew, along with the folks in the control room, erupted into raucous cheers as I dragged my sopping wet body off the set. I later found out that it took me an embarrassing 10 minutes and 41 seconds to complete the course – at least twice the amount of time it took most of those kids.

At least I can finally say I did it. And I have the pictures – plus the remnants of blue-green slime in my ear – to prove it.