Every month when I open my Rogers bill, I’m reminded of the Monty Python ‘Blackmail’ sketch.

Someone, somewhere at Rogers obviously has pictures of me doing something completely inappropriate. Likely at a party. Possibly pantless. That’s the only logical reason you would send someone a bill this large, month in, month out, and expect them to pay it.

Occasionally, while opening said bill, I will even look around my kitchen, trying to find the camera that must be taking the whole thing in. Hopefully the residuals coming my way will offset some of this media investment. Apparently, I must be purchasing some part of the Rogers empire on monthly installments. That’s the only thing that could explain these sorts of numbers.

So, please keep all that pent-up, bubbling-just-below-the-surface venom in mind when I side with Rogers et al in the fee-for-carriage debate. Because, if forced to pay fee-for-carriage, it isn’t them that’s going to foot the bill, it’s me and my media-consuming ilk.

That was confirmed by the CRTC in a recent summary: ‘It does not appear, however, that significant affordability issues would be created by a [fee] regime that resulted in modest price increases.’

If that sounds vaguely familiar to you it’s because it’s a rephrasing of another famous line: Let them eat cake.

I’m not exactly sure, but I think we may have mixed up ‘significant affordability issues’ with ‘reasonable, good governance that doesn’t treat consumers like ATMs.’

Capability does not necessarily translate into sound strategy. For example, just because I’m physically able to cram 12 ferrets down the front of my pants doesn’t mean I should do it. Somewhere around ferret number seven, I suspect they might remember they have claws.

As do consumers.

I’m wondering if someone, somewhere has done the math and can tell exactly where the tipping point is for media consumers? At what point do they throw up their hands and say ‘Ah, screw this,’ and start looking for alternatives to television?

I suspect it’s already happened. The bar ain’t set all that high right now, folks.

For example, for about $150 you can buy a little box called the WDTV Live that will allow you to watch any media stored on your home computer, or on the Internet, on your living room TV (via WiFi – so no wires to hook up) in 1080p HD.

Remind me again: How many months of cable bills does it take to get to $150…?

Until all the players stop accelerating the fragmentation of the platform; until they stop forcing consumers to consider abandoning TV for less expensive, more diverse media sources; until they stop making illegal downloading a better alternative to the paid-for media content already being streamed into consumers’ homes (i.e. TV), everyone needs to sit back down at the drawing board, take the ferrets out of their pants, and hammer out a system that actually works for all parties.

You’re all killing television and expecting me to pay for the bullets.