*The media is lying: Looks like the wick-stickers here at the Brunie have continued the age-old tradition of shameless journalistic lies, just to keep up appearances. You may have noticed the last On The Spot reported that I was on vacation. Yeah, an extended vacation at a very dry resort. If they ever report that I’m actually at rehab, you can assume I’m dead.

*Spin your Partners: With representation deals flying like sparks from Ashley MacIsaac’s flamin’ fiddle, our industry hoedown was jigging along at full force this week. Down in the barn, our spot square dance reached snowball proportions as partners changed faster than Liz Taylor on a wedding spree. Is anyone free of representation now?

Playback, not willing to be left out of the dance (we love hay and apple cider), has cut a few of its own deals. Personally, I have cut representation deals with the Beef Wranglers of Gloaming Hollow, who have agreed to rep good-looking Brunicans as spot directors at burger joints in Barrie. (Less attractive employees will direct for poultry spots only.)

Also, our lawyers – looking to lock up talented Canadian livestock – are reported close to an agreement that would see Brunico garner exclusive representation of live bulls and oxen for directing work in Toronto. Maybe we should buy out Partners’ as well? Nah, then Don McLean might go back to folksinging:

Don McLean’s American Pie

Ay Ay, by the sun in the sky,

I partner and I partner

Cause I’m that kind of guy.

My lawyers say,

I should sell the whole pie.

But no one ever really wants to buy.

No one ever really wants to buy…

*Kudos Colero: Congrats to Jody Colero of The Einstein Bros. and his super-snub of our secret society of spot slackers. His announcement that he will be opening Hooker’s Beaver Tails franchises in the Muskokas confirms that dough boiled in oil, as I have always maintained, is the only true and noble exit from this seedy, seedy business. Watch for Colero’s upcoming album – Sounds of The Deep Fryer and his first single Hooker’s Lament.

*Top Spots: Having watched the sad judges plow through nearly 200 spots this month, I have devised a better way to evaluate the contest next year. Here are your directions: Send us your Budweiser spots. If you don’t have one, don’t bother submitting….Sing with me now – a one and a two and a three: I love American budgets, you love American budgets – we love American budgets, too – baby.

*Spot Check: Here’s a test you can give directors to check if they’ve got the right stuff for your roster.

Where are you from:

a) Canada

b) USA

c) Other

When you get a storyboard you:

a) Claim to follow it directly while secretly straying

b) Try flossing with the papers without cutting your gums

c) Trash the script and improv, improv, improv

On the set you keep control through:

a) A firm hand and an open ear

b) Whips and spikes

c) Uncontrolled weeping followed by systematic punishment of the crew with stun guns

What does gaffer mean:

a) An integral member of the production team

b) A small prairie animal with meteorological skills

c) Crew whose job it is to keep director’s ex-spouses gaffed and away from craft service

When bidding on a job you:

a) Lie about your age, sex, nationality and directing style

b) Lick ass and love it

c) Get confused and pay to take the job

Your cinematographer is there to:

a) Support your director’s eye

b) Carry that big tool that’s always pointing at the set

c) Trim your ‘stache

If your director answered ‘c’ to the majority of questions, he/she is clearly just the kind of loose, misguided cannon that you want at the helm of all of your spots. However, as an elite and eccentric super-director, he/she should be kept close and secret – only released during Olympic years and for Leon’s Christmas campaigns.

If your director answered ‘b’ to the majority of questions, he/she is a sucky, violent and disease-ridden moron who is perfect for all your high-profile jobs.

If your director answered ‘a’ to the majority of questions, he/she is clearly a knowledgeable and highly skilled director who would certainly do you proud. However, as a Canadian, they should be quickly and harshly dismissed from your roster.