The Nov. 10 invitation from Toronto’s MacLaren McCann to a roundtable on Canadian creative sounded like a safe way to schmooze/snooze through to lunch while arguably earning one’s keep. It began in an innocent enough Canadian manner, with host Rick Davis, exec vp, chief creative officer, presenting successive overheads to the dozen assembled top ad types outlining the agenda:

– canadian advertising: where do we go from here?

Audience heckles a projection-challenged Davis

– issues:

– clients

– lack of young talent

– political correctness/conservatism

– budgets

Audience begins to look like emergency phone calls might need to be orchestrated.

– key issues:

– you’re all kidnapped for the united way!

Surprise mingled withrelief?

Rules of release stipulated someone at each kidnappee’s company had to cough up a $250 ransom. They were allowed one phone call. Those who couldn’t break the voice-mail wall aren’t still confined to bread, water, a continuous commercial loop and board games at Water Park Place, as ransom notes were sent out, accompanied by Polaroids of the hostages surrounded by water-pistol-brandishing jailers (Lesley Parrott was particularly menacing with a parrot weapon involving a long, wire-jabbing element).

The United Way donation/ransom demand notes (in a cutout letter font illustrated with a torn ear) warned against: attempting rescue, throwing an impromptu yippee they’re gone-for-good party ,or staging an office coup in their absence.

Just as the hostages were getting too jolly, giddy perhaps at the prospect of assorted cheese and one less debate on political correctness, a Toronto Sun photographer arrived. Torture worse than a Friday morning panel on Canadian creativity ensued.

The hostages – Mark Bisson (exec producer Derek Van Lint and Associates), Jodi Colero (president, The Einstein Bros.), Boris Damast (director, Damast Gordon), Geoffrey Roche (prez and creative director, Roche Macauley & Partners), Michael Schwartz (exec producer, Avion Films), Martin Shewchuk (exec vp, chief creative officer, Leo Burnett), Blair Shier (vp brand management, Molson Breweries), Rick Shurman (Pirate Radio), John Smythe (exec producer, The Partners’ Film Company), Carlo Trulli (exec producer, Spy Films), Edie Weiss (prez, Radke Films) – were herded into an adjoining room where they were forced at hockey stick, bat and hammer point to pose.

Kneeling, arms (some taped) behind their heads, the victims were nudged and prodded into an exploitative tableau, with a handcuffed Weiss in the foreground. Colero’s glasses were taped over for an ominous note, and an overly eager Davis leapt to tape Roche’s mouth shut (editor’s note: check with Geneva Convention guys about taping around head with direct adhesive contact with hostage’s hair). Perhaps it was that remark about, ‘I’d rather pay now, we have Canadian Airlines coming over at 11,’ when Roche was forced to sign his ransom note.

As the art direction dragged on (Shewchuk wanted to know if they could shoot it two ways) and arms tired, one MacLaren jailer observed to a fellow conspirator: ‘We’ll have to enter international award shows from now on.’

Finally, the ordeal, conceived and executed by Deborah Narine, Mark Fitzgerald, Ian Kiar and Marta Cutler, was at an end and cheques began to arrive. The ransomed were rewarded with loot bags (that clinked and gurgled) for being good sports.

Shewchuk, who had earlier joked (we thought), ‘You’ve picked the wrong person from my company,’ was last seen headed to a bank machine. Smythe paid in American cash, and Avion’s cheque arrived first.

Note to suppliers: don’t try this without the backing of a recognized charitable agency.