Where the hell am I: Hey ditch smacks, been here for over a month now, and I can tell you – it stinks. The commercial writers smell of boiled cabbage, and half the time I feel like I’m going to toss my breakfast (whisky and crisps) all over the aging carpets.

You suck: Only three e-mails from an industry standing just in front of my flame-thrower. Hello? Do you all want to burn? Get it straight – I’m not here to dine with you. Is that all you lychee fruits do? Eat lunch? Thanks for the invites but I have a real job, whatever that might be. Anyway, you’re the whack-winders who gave me rickets in the first place. They never behaved like this in Helsinki.

Strike on, little doggies: As if the actors in our biz don’t have it easy enough with all that craft service and those glossy 8 x 10s. And the union? Those must be some pretty powerful American overlords to keep actra from stroking their members’ shiny coats. Even the production companies are spitting processed cheese all over the place – as angry with each other as they are with the unions.

I may be a terrible drunk, but I will tell you this: the situation in Canada ain’t gonna get better if we don’t stop all this in-fighting and bickering. Even if it was just for long enough to stand for our national anthem (of course, performed by an American who ‘understands’ it better). I’m from Medicine Hat, goddamnit! Give me a break.

Ever heard of a motor inn: Looks like those who thought the Bessies were casualty free have been living reality free. One loverboy producer was canned like Del Monte when, apparently, he shared a bit too much of his sweet syrup with a few too many other fruits at the same time. Hey, I have nothing against free love (it’s usually accompanied by free booze). But guy, next time, rent a motel room. May I recommend a little motor lodge outside Acton? I’ll trade the bar key for an invite to your next party.

Boating with the bereaved: This is one columnist who drank his own booze last month as the industry went on a boat cruise in support of the Bereaved Families of Ontario. Unfortunately, the heavy thirst (this industry demands) caused most of the attendees to drink a large portion of the booze on board. Maybe a few agency execs should have thought twice before sucking back so many oysters along the way. Needless to say, combined with the drink, many of the shucked shellfish were returned to the sea.

Here’s a tip: After the victory at Cannes for ‘Real Dealers Can’t Jump,’ and the buzz created by the shorts made for the Bessies, it is clear the key to winning international awards and local recognition is to take a self-referential, egocentric approach to what’s cool: shoot spots about the advertising industry. Hey, it’s about us – that’s a great ad! Why don’t you come shoot me passed out on my office floor (any day after 11 a.m.) – we could air it on the Super Bowl.

Hey, ho, oh no: You would think the boys at Molson would have learned their lesson. The follow-ups to the storied ‘Rant’ are being directed by a local boy, with a local agency through a local production house. However, by choosing The Ramones’ Blitzkreig Bop as the background music, they have still managed to leave the new spots with a distinctly American flavor. Oh Schlitz! Let’s hope this taste doesn’t carry over to their beer.

Besides, Joey Ramone and I once escaped from rehab together for a night of Burger King and bourbon. I know the man, and I can assure you, short of an eye-opening anal cavity search at the border, none of the Ramones would even notice they were in Canada.

And what about Canadian crooners like Burton Cummings singing about American women, or Gord Downie singing about New Orleans sinking. Maybe with them we could still feel American even though we’re using Canadian talent.

Key reasons Canadian agencies prefer American directors:

* Lighter beer makes for less-hammered helmers

* They’re easier to confuse

* Better plastic surgeons make for better smiles in pitch meetings

* They’re better armed, for a more

disciplined set

* They have a better idea of ‘what’s Canadian’

* Pork rinds make for great craft service

* They’re from l.a.! Can you believe it? They’re from l.a.!

* They’re always impressed with Swiss Chalet

* Agency execs hope employing Americans will get them employed in America

* We can beat them at street hockey

* Beautiful agency producers trade sex for green cards

* They’re more expensive and therefore way better

* So they’ll bring up cartons of Camel Lights

* For exciting customs encounters

* Well, they got Gretzky

* So we can steal their Yankee blue jeans

* Because they’ve had all the good Canadians for years

* We didn’t ask them to come; they’re here to see the Moffats.

In closing, you all make me sick. Or maybe that was my lunch. Keep this in mind: vodka is not an acceptable side dish for a meal of whisky. Until August…

rricketts@brunico.com