February blahs: Thank Johnny Walker February is over. This industry looks as terrible in February as you do. As gray as the sky and as cold and slushy as the sickening feeling I get every morning when I remember I’m going to have to cover your sorry asses for another day.

Strange animals: No question. Nick Racz’s "Bad Cats" spot for PETA is some of the most beautiful romance I have ever seen. The feline intercourse was outstandingly choreographed and downright inspirational. I’m quite sure I saw that couple in a naughty pay-per-view movie not too long ago. Finally, there is a director qualified to shoot the hot, hot erotic trilogy I have been writing over the past few months. Just think about the potential programming for The Horse Channel.

Studio multiplication: Looks like a few too many people took the call for more Canadian studio space a little too seriously. How many companies have broken the bank to build more studio space? Suddenly, our lack of available stages is starting to look like an overabundance. Even if it seems dandy now, just wait until the strike hits and all those studio kingpins are sitting around playing wall-ball on their cycloramas.

Fool’s gold: They’re not the only one, but do you ever wonder why events like the Mobius Advertising Awards exist? Do you think it’s really to honor you and all the valuable, important work you do each day? Do you think it’s to give you a pat on the back for all the meaningful art you accomplish in your job?

Nah. It’s a cash grab. You can say you won an award and Mobius can say, "We’ve had a profitable year."

To enter a single TV commercial, it costs US$175. To enter a campaign, it costs US$225. Understood, these award shows cost a lot of money to put on, but with 6,000 entries this year, Mobius probably brought in between 1 million and 1.4 million Dubya dollars in entry fees alone.

And don’t think there isn’t enough incentive to have a lot of different categories and winners.

Each statue costs US$175 and, if you want more than one of them (agency, prod house, post house, etc.), you’re going to have to pay. Not attending the awards? Shipping, packing and handling are also your responsibility. With 283 first-place winners, you can do the math.

Are we all so well versed at fooling the public that we insist on fooling each other as well?

Throw me to the lions: I wish I could work with the good people down at the African Lion Safari. Tell me they don’t have the coolest titles in the biz. Carole Precious, manager of birds, and Charles Gray, superintendent of elephants? Come on! It’s got to make you a bit jealous. Commercial columnist? How passe. Hell, I’d be satisfied with superintendent of drivel or manager of whisky.

On-site services: If I have to hear about one-stop shopping one more time I’m going to dent my flask with my forehead. The current trend to put everything from special effects to customs clearances on site at studios across the country has got me thinking. If they really want a one-stop shop, here are a few on-site services they should consider adding to their lots:

1. Manicure and pedicure: How can we call it one-stop shopping when producers still have to go off-site to have their toes done?

2. Escorts and companions: Hello, no escorts? That means at least two stops for every sleazy director that can’t get a date with one of their PAs, models or actors. Anyone remember what business we’re in?

3. Pharmacy: What if the crew runs out of blue pills? What if the red ones are making people too hyper? What are we thinking? Where’s the methadone clinic? Where’s the opium den? People should be able to pick up an addiction and go through rehab all while producing their spots.

4. Arms dealers: How can we say we’re doing everything we can to attract Americans if we don’t have firearms vendors on site?

5. Tanning salon: Have we forgotten? Nobody gets a tan in Canada. And nobody gets a commercial job without an exotic tan. Otherwise, they might be mistaken for a Canadian (sort of like a commercial leper).

6. Silicon surgeons: Okay, I agree, having a plastic surgeon on set is taking things a little far. If full anesthesia is required, it is unlikely the patient (except perhaps agency producers) could also accomplish their jobs. But why not have someone on staff to pump up people’s lips with silicon? It’s a simple procedure, and in this harebrained business, the last thing we need are harelips. *