Is your head pounding too? Well, it’s the end of another holiday season, and you’re sure to be almost as hungover as me. Party after party. Drink after drink. It’s enough to make even the most accomplished imbiber go dry for a month. Nah…

*Floria vs. Kathi: We’re not in Cloud City anymore: With the emergence of these two skilled female commercial directors, an interesting dichotomy has developed. Floria Sigismondi’s dark world of shadows clashes with style-nemesis Kathi Prosser and her landscape of bright and light. For all those stone-agers who feel threatened by these ladies of the lens, here’s a way to distract them from their burgeoning careers: a showdown, in the classic mold.

Dark vs. light. Luke vs. Vader. This may distract them, but don’t expect it to turn out like previous battles. No chance Floria is Kathi’s father. And it’s unlikely anyone will lose a limb. Tripods aren’t nearly as deadly as light sabers. Nor do they make that cool noise.

*New channels, new shows, new spots: With nearly 300 new crtc-approved channels looking to get picked up, new shows and, of course, new commercials will have to be produced to fill the air time. Examining only a few of the most powerful potential networks, I seek to answer the burning questions: What new programs may emerge? And what are some of the boards you should be prepared to bid on?

* The Horse Channel: Pintos and ponies and stallions – oh my! This channel will look at horses, from slobber to sugar cubes. New shows may include: One Horse’s Opinion with Mr. Hoof, Died and Gone to Glue: The Secretariat Story, The Neverending Steeple Chase, My Little Pony – the miniseries and Hubert Nelson – Trials of a Six-foot Jockey.

Possible boards include spots for: horseshoe nails, any stampede and psas for trotting.

* The Nerd Network: Awkward geeks and beautiful losers make up the sorry cast of The Nerd Network. New shows may include: My Dinner with Four Eyes, Calculus Mountain, Lloyd Buttnor’s Golden Pocket Protector, A Geek’s Guide to Sexual Awakenings Online, Programming Your Family in C and The Holy Bible Translated into Machine Language.

Possible boards include spots for: Linux-wear, mechanical pencils and psas for basic social skills.

* The Coaches Network: From little league to the nhl, The Coaches Network will look at coaching from the point of view of a coach. New shows may include: Screw The Kids: Coaching for Power and Money, Whistle Blowing Techniques of the Former Soviet Union, Winning Games with Jesus, Controlling your Quarterback with Biological Warfare, and a 35-part series on why former Sabres coach Ted Nolan lost his job.

Possible boards include spots for: whistles, tazers, stun guns, Anthony Robbins videos and psas for inoffensive baseball signaling and butt patting.

* The Nelvana Channel: With Nelvana unloading all its programming onto the various existing stations, The Nelvana Channel will cover a far more intriguing subject, life at Nelvana. New shows may include: The Nelvana Christmas Party: A Hidden Camera Special, the primetime hit Board Meeting, and a daily show filmed live in the company lunch room, titled Lunch Time.

Also, every Sunday, Nelvana Channel will open the books for Accounting Live!

Possible boards include spots for: other employment, the company drink machine and psas for dealing with interns.

* Skating tv: What’s this? A television outfitted with skates? A new-style curling game where tvs substitute for rocks? More likely, this channel will be all about skating. New shows may include: Advanced Skate Sharpening, the moving drama Sow Cow, Blade Protectors: Yea or Nay?, A Tonya Harding Christmas and If My Ankle Didn’t Hurt I’d Be a Champion – The Elvis Stojko Story.

Possible boards include spots for: Flintstones on Ice, Disney on Ice, Sesame Street on Ice and, my personal favorite, Whiskey on Ice.

* The Poetry Channel: Even though no one in Canada buys poetry books, this channel will seek to uncover the vast untapped market of poetry-lovers between the ages of 18 and 35. The expected audience is six. New shows may include: Al Waxman’s Wide World of Limericks, Canadian Poets – A View From the Poor House, George W. Bush Sings Leonard Cohen, anything directed by Atom Egoyan and the ever-popular series – Pens.

Possible boards include spots for: ink, food stamps, the Dr. Kevorkian Library and the letter ‘q’. Also, be prepared for psas promoting the Canada Council and its mandate to only fund already rich and famous artists.

*A Rick Ricketts New Year: To close the column and open the new millennium, I feel I should make some resolutions to improve my standing and stature. There are three. First, no more ribbing Atom Egoyan. Second, I will never, ever drink again. Third, I will ignore my previous two resolutions, and thereby come away hitting .333 from this self-improvement garbola. *