This January I was down in Las Vegas for a jugglers convention. I go to these things every so often to visit with former colleagues, and to remind myself why I gave up juggling.

As well as hosting 40 disreputable prestidigitators, Las Vegas was also home to the Winter Consumer Electronics Show. Part of the ces, arguably the most popular part of the ces, is the Adult Video adjunct held every year at the Sahara.

Having a nose for a story, and some admittedly prurient curiosity, I inveigled a press pass out of Playback. My Angle? Are there Canadians doing this sort of work, and if so, why isn’t there a Genie category for it?

I don’t know what you know of the Adult Video Industry. In most social situations, it’s probably best to claim to know nothing. So here’s a quick primer: Adult Videos are primarily rated triple-x. Some have plots, and are shot in glorious 35mm. Others have all the production values of a security video from a 24-hour convenience store.

There are hundreds and hundreds of women who perform in these things, and five guys. Five. It’s been the same five guys for the last 10 years. Okay, John Wayne Bobbit is making videos now, so there’s six guys. Or.five and a half. Of these guys, there seems to be some rule that one of them, Ron Jeremy – the Tom Arnold of porn – has to appear in every single film and video made. Must be a mob thing.

There are genres and sub-genres of Adult Video. These are, and please forgive me if I offend you, but hey, I’m only the messenger here:

Couples oriented: These are usually well photographed, with attractive people and a modicum of plot. They’re often shot on film, and this is the one of two genres where the Adult Auteur is recognized. The most heralded filmmakers in this territory are Andrew Blake, Michael Ninn, and Candida Royalle, who makes her very popular films with a decidedly female point of view.

Special Interest: Here’s where the other auteurs lurk. These guys specialize. About the only one I can mention without jeopardizing Playback’s licence is The Buttman, creative genius behind such titles as Buttman goes to Rio, An American Buttman in London and myriad other Buttman adventures.

The other fellas have similarly specific physiological proclivities and equally witless appellations.

Specialties

All Woman, All Anal, All Male, Amateur, Transvestites, Shemales, Fat People, Old People, Pregnant People, Sex Toys, Bondage, Waterworks, Spanking and Whipping these are all self-evident genres, and the regular customer is quite fussy about his or her preferences. In fact, there’s a monthly publication, Adult Video News, which is mostly a ratings journal aimed primarily at video store owners. When avn highly recommends stocking the new all-girl feature from Vivid, video store owners – if they’ve got half a brain – listen.

avn has a very large presence at the convention. They have one of the biggest booths – yes, there are booths at this thing – and they sponsor the annual Adult Video Awards show, where awards are handed out for achievements in such areas as ‘Best All Girl,’ ‘Best Performance By A Newcomer,’ and, you’ll be delighted to hear, Atom Egoyan’s Exotica was only narrowly edged out in the voting for ‘Best Alternative Video.’

By now you’re wondering just what goes on at this convention. Is it all carnality and libidinousness? Not quite.Imagine this: a huge ballroom filled with high-tech displays, booths, and fast-talking distributors, all devoted to selling images of people boinking. 3D porn. cd-rom porn. Videos shot on Beta, 35mm, all digital, 16mm, Hi-8. There’s even animated stuff from Japan. One of the most popular displays features Interactive Virtual Reality triple-x.

There are dozens of ‘stars’ posing for photos, letting folks grab their silicone-engorged breasts, signing autographed 8x10s. Every second conventioneer scurries about with a camcorder to his eye, hurrying from one bit of titillation to the next.

There are a few wayward booths: one features a guide to Nevada’s brothels, another, personalized leather spanking paddles. Believe me, I had a hell of a time explaining that to the guy at Customs.

(An intriguing thing about this convention: it’s held in Nevada, home of legalized prostitution, in a city where it’s easier to find a shopper’s guide to the local prostitutes than a copy of the New York Times, where there are dozens of strip clubs and topless revues and yet at this convention there’s a rule that the displays can’t feature nudity. No one obeys the rule, of course, but still.)

The crowd at the avc? 99% male, mostly video store owners, with the sartorial savvy of the guys who run the tilt-a-whirl at the cne. If you’re female and you decide to check this place out, be prepared to field a lot of puzzled inquiries as to what your last film was.

And here’s where we get to Playback’s angle on this convention. Are there Canadians doing this stuff? If you’re interested in a career in comedy, that seems to be the all-time great line. It’s such a good line, all you have to do is say it to someone manning a booth at the convention and you’ll receive gales of laughter in response.

‘Canadians!? Wouldn’t their skates (snowshoes, moose, Molson’s Golden, I heard ’em all) get in the way!? Har har har har’

A few people offered that, yes, there is the occasional sighting of a Canadian in the Amateur videos, and once in a while a tape of a Miss Nude Saskatchewan contest will surfacebut Canadians making Adult Videos!?

Well, let’s not be naive, folks. There must be.

Nothing doing

Nope. According to the folks at Montreal’s Triangle Films, Canada’s largest distributor of Adult Videos, there’s not a single Canadian producer that they know of. And no one at any of the major Los Angeles-based companies such as Vivid, Valentine, vca, Caballero or dgd could think of a single example. Maybe it is too cold up here, although Scandinavia has been making dirty movies for most of this century.

For those of you considering this market as a way to tide you over until your ofip money arrives, here are the vague basics: make a good 60-minute video, shot on either Beta sp or Hi-8 for about $10,000 and find a distributor to buy it for about $15,000 Do that consistently, you’re making a living.

(By the way, your talent costs represent a pretty hefty portion of the production cost, but compared to the cost of hiring special-skill extras to juggle in a tv commercial, porn stars work cheap. The going rate is about $500 a day – two sex scenes – for a woman and $750 a day – two sex scenes – for a man. The men can charge more because, well, there are only six of them. Women can earn $250 more by agreeing to accommodate their screen partner in ways frowned upon by some u.s. states. The pension plan? Don’t ask.)

What about aids? Why hasn’t it decimated the industry? Remarkably, the adult film biz loses more actors to suicide than to aids. Most producers insist on blood testing before going to camera, and the core group of adult film stars seem to police themselves fairly well.

I guess it’s like the code amongst professional athletes: ‘Play hard, but stay away from the knees!’

So there you go. In the world of video vavoom we Canadians simply aren’t pulling our weight. Perhaps we need a Royal Commission on the matter.

steve westren is a Toronto-based comedy writer and director. A 1996 Gemini nominee, he’s currently developing the tv series Puppets Who Kill with Broadway Video, and recently sold an original screenplay to a very large u.s. studio – who he refuses to name until the cheque actually clears.